For years, I did not want the people around me to notice my pain and struggles. I wanted to appear capable and "normal". I made sure to have my hair done, dress well, makeup perfect, and act as expected, hiding behind a mask of perfection. Only those closest to me could tell when I wasn't feeling well, as my aunt told me, she learned to see the "pain in my eyes".
I got so good at acting "well" that even my own parents did not believe that my suffering was real. All my younger sisters knew is that they needed to be quiet because I wasn't feeling well. My friends thought I was faking to avoid school and them, and we slowly drifted apart until I had no close friends. Those friends I had thought I was a snob and too good to spend time with them, when the fact was that social get-togethers were too overstimulating and triggering.
While in University, I finally had the space to explore who I really was, without having to appear to be who people expected. It was a new group of people, and a chance to explore my authentic self. I dug into my passion for education and research, pushing my academic limits. But in the process, I also pushed my physical boundaries. Through the journey of trying to prove myself capable, I also broke myself down. I experienced my first burn-out in third year of undergrad, which started a pattern for my professional life. I was pushing myself beyond the limits my body could handle.
I learned a lot about myself, my capabilities, and where I need to set my boundaries to stay healthy. I also learned that the facade I had held up for so long was tiring me out, taking up valuable energy and hiding my true self from the people around me.
It has been challenging to reveal myself, and own my suffering and struggles. Admitting that I am not as strong as I appear; that there are days when I am barely capable of getting out of bed. But there have also been incredible self-development opportunities. I am learning to take my health seriously and give myself the time I need to recover from a migraine attack. I no longer hide or push through the pain in order to appear "capable". My family and friends are learning that when I have to cancel plans, it is not because I don't want to spend time with them, but because I am not feeling up to a social gathering. And I have taken a leap and started my own company to give myself the work environment that I need to be my best self, and provide the best service to my clients.
Deciding to take these actions have been terrifying, and the process has been long, challenging, and an ongoing lesson in self-compassion. I do believe that I am better for the self-reflection, and I hope that one day I will be fully confident in sharing all of who I am, invisible disability included.
Comments